mollyfamwatThis article is from 2030 and it is about how our current video games are going to be so poorly designed, the future generations will not want anything to do with them.
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How different will things be in nine years in Cyberpunk 2077? (Image courtesy of YouTube)
A reader gives a tongue-in-cheek appraisal of the video gaming landscape in 2030, predicting that nothing will have changed…
While it wasn’t quite on the magnitude of an E.T.-inspired video game catastrophe, the gaming industry’s combined failures during 2030 indicate that it will take something extraordinary to completely recover next year.
The 10th anniversary remaster of Cyberpunk 2077, which was nearly as disastrous as the initial launch a decade ago, was first up in a 12-month period to forget.
It may have rectified some of the game’s initial issues, but it also created a slew of new ones, the most notable of which was Keanu Reeves’ funny stand-in.
Mr Reeves and his successor, it seems, didn’t want anything to do with the remaster, with the actor’s visage discombobulating in classic Night City way in almost every shot.
Meanwhile, the Grand Theft Auto series took a hit with the release of a full-priced anniversary edition of the original trilogy.
Many of Vice City’s original radio stations were accidentally replaced with long audio logs of Rockstar workers learning how to incorporate third-person combat after much of its material sparked uproar, phony or not, on social media.
At the very least, Nintendo was far more predictable, at least in the Nintendo sense. The debut of their newest Switch 3 expansion pack, which promised a variety of GameCube titles, did not go as planned.
Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure, Sonic Riders, Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (no indication of the previous one, of course), and Super Monkey Ball were among the first games released. However, it is not the original 2002 title, which was strangely changed for the 2021 re-release. That’s the one with the sloppy controls and a dash of Joy-Con drift for good measure.
Sega was allegedly implicated by an insider, although why this occurred is unknown. Nintendo, like the Joy-Con debacle, seems to be immune from regulatory oversight, so if you want a half-hearted service that promises a GameCube game every three years, you’ll have to pay £280 each year.
When contacted for response, Nintendo said that these reports were false and that a GameCube game will be released every five years.
Hideo Kojima’s next game, sci-fi boreathon Scalped, was another commercial flop, with you playing as an online scalper looking for their soul after being buried by 5,000 high-demand console/chicken warmer hybrids.
The irony is that the imaginary games in Scalped were significantly more engaging.
In other news, Sony’s Uncharted resurrection Kickstarter hit its goal in only 12 seconds, with funders guaranteed a special skin for Sully’s mobility scooter, while Dark Souls: Trillionth Death Edition was just too good to be true.
However, one bright spot from 2030 was the general hatred for tedious open-world games. Most people have spurned them after realizing they are really an unpaid full-time job that entails tediously clearing hundreds of little symbols on an exaggerated map. Many games, notably the popular Far Cry series, are now widely utilized for community service.
Remasters, reboots, remakes of reboots, and reboots of remakes dominated the year 2030, which had few original titles.
Even still, 2030 was a lot better than the early 2020s…
David, a reader
The reader’s feature does not necessarily reflect GameCentral or Metro’s opinions.
You may submit your own 500-600-word reader feature at any time, and it will be published in the next available weekend slot if it is used. As usual, send us an email at [email protected], and don’t forget to follow us on Twitter.
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